The Boston Celtics and Miami Heat have found each other at last. After a season of flirtation, four first dates, and months of watching each other from afar, these two crazy kids are ready to take it to the next level.
I'm know I'm a Boston-based, biased homer but I don't think I'm overstating it when I say that this is the playoff series that everyone in the basketball world has been waiting for since they were born, could walk, talk, and realized that a basketball wasn't just something to smash your little brother's Lego castle with. This series is why Dr. James Naismith punched a whole in a peach basket. This series is why George Mikan gave up tap-dancing and picked up ball. This series is why Michael Jordan quit and played baseball. Even His Airness knew that anything he could possibly accomplish in his career couldn't measure up to the hoop awesomeness that will be born on Sunday at 3:30, live only for a brief, epic, shining seven games, each a life and death of its own, and then disappear from this world forever as it had never existed at all. And when its over cats will love dogs, Shaq and Kobe will move in together, Danny Ainge will bite Tree Rollins, Dan Gilbert will host Lebron Day in downtown Cleveland, Mark Cuban will sell the Mavs and cover them for his new hoops blog, Donald Sterling will celebrate Black History Month in February, Dwyane Wade will pass an STD test, David Stern will go to Vegas with Tim Donaghy, and Joey Crawford and Tim Duncan will ride into the sunset on a bicycle built for two. In short, the world as we know it will never be the same.
Who will win this showdown for the ages? I'm glad you asked. The Celtics will win, in overtime, of Game 7.
Things that WILL HAPPEN in the series:
Glen Davis and Chris Bosh share a passionate kiss at center court after a battle of crying, screaming, and drooling ends in a shameful, disgusting tie. A confused Danny Crawford ejects them both and the Heat win Game 1 after Kevin Garnett sits out the fourth quarter trying to figure out what he just watched.
Lebron James has to leave the game in the final seconds of a closely contested Game 2 after biting his nails so much that he chews through the skin and is bleeding. While James is tended to on the sidelines, Paul Pierce hits a game-winning fade away jumper from the elbow to even the series.
In Game 3 Mario Chalmers dives into the crowd after trying to save the ball and scrapes his face on Flo Allen's diamond-encrusted #20 Celtics jersey. Chalmers receives treatment but returns to the game with 57 tiny band-aids on his face. He hits three 3-pointers in the fourth quarter and openly taunts Mrs. Allen who shakes her finger and taps her foot.
The Celtics take Game 4 easily on the back of a vintage KG performance. Garnett posts 27 points, 25, rebounds, two steals, four assists, and three blocks, the last of which he swats away a Mike Miller lay-up using only his face.
Shaq returns for Game 5 and scores 8 points and grabs five rebounds in six minutes, but his night is cut short again due to injury after he slips on a wet clump of Nenad Krstic's fallen out hair and injures his right knee, ending his season and career. The Heat win.
Jeff Green makes his presence felt for the first time in the playoffs, dropping 20-points in the first three quarters in giving the Celtics a 14-point lead heading into the final frame. Green's hot play stops after Lebron James asks him to stop scoring. Green nods his head and apologizes, quickly missing his next four shots. The Celtics are able to hold off the Heat and tie the series 3-3 heading back to Miami.
In a classic Lebron vs. Pierce duel, the two future Hall-of-Famers trade baskets and shit talk for the entire game. In overtime, most of the Miami crowd has left to eat Cuban sandwiches and go to Tantra. Boston takes advantage of the momentum swing and Rajon Rondo finishes off the Heat by going 4-for-4 from the line in the final minute.
(1) Chicago Bulls vs. (5) Atlanta Hawks
The Bulls struggled with the Pacers in Round 1, and the second round will bring similar problems. Atlanta looked like a force in dispatching the favored Magic and this will be the first team with playoff experience that the new look Bulls will have to face. Look for Hawks instigator Zaza Pachulia to get into a few tiffs with Joakim Noah in the series. Hopefully there won't be any nose-to-nose standoffs like with KG in 2008, I'm afraid Noah would enjoy that a little too much. You can also look for wrinkly-headed Carlos Boozer to be exposed as more fake than his Crayola beard. Eventually, though, Rose (and the refs) will be enough to get Chicago to the Eastern Conference Finals.
PREDICTION: Bulls 4, Hawks 2,
(2) Los Angeles Lakers vs. (3) Dallas Mavericks
The Dallas Mavericks finally put it together for an important playoff series and knock off the defending champs. Phil Jackson is saying he'll retire at the end of the season and it just wouldn't do his tenure in La La Land justice without a little drama on the way out. Between Phil and Kobe there will be so many bodies flying under buses that there will be just enough drama to make a major move. The whole charade will end with Dwight Howard wearing purple. And I'm not talking about his extra-medium Polos that he wears to the club to drink water.
PREDICTION: Mavs 4, Lakers 2, Kardashians 4
(4) Oklahoma City Thunder vs. (8) Memphis Grizzlies
This should be a great series with a Celtics slant. The Thunder and Kendrick Perkins taking on the Grizzlies and former Celtics head case Tony Allen. This series is a win-win, as both Memphis and OKC are likable small market teams with an interesting cast of characters including Kevin Durant (just scored on you again), Russy Westbrook (stealing Durant's thunder), Zach Randolph (got that sticky), Tony Allen (packing heat), O.J. Mayo (Four Loko), and Marc Gasol (looks like a deadbeat dad at rec league game).
PREDICTION: Grizzlies 4, Thunder 3
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