Well it's that season again. Other than the Super Bowl it's the best sports time of the year in the New England area. Red Sox opening weeks and BRUINS AND CELTICS PLAYOFF TIME! I just went from six to midnight.
Eastern Conference Playoff Preview: Round 1.
(1) Chicago Bulls vs. (8) Indiana Pacers
Pretty much everyone knows how this one is going to end. The Chicago Bulls have been virtually unstoppable in the second half of the season. The inconsistent Indiana Pacers will be little more than an appetizer for Derrick Rose and the monster that is the Bulls. There has been mild shit talking coming from the Pacers, which will give Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau just enough chalk board material to keep Chicago focused. There won't be much to watch in this series, but the Pacers have just the right amount of white guys to make it worth staying tuned to see someone get posterized. If you do make time to watch it on TV, just make sure it isn't HD. Between Joakim Noah's face and Carlos Boozer's weird lines in his head, it's enough to give you The BG’s. Now, Derrick Rose probably can't spell Indiana, but he will be more than enough to sweep them. Plus, if he ever gets tested on it, John Calipari will just take it for him.
PREDICTION: Chicago 4, Indiana 0.
(2) Miami Heat vs. (7) Philadelphia 76ers
Miami's first round matchup with Philly marks the maiden voyage of postseason play for the Heatles. Last we saw them in the playoffs Dwyane Wade was too busy talking to his hand while Paul Pierce shot the Celtics past the Heat in 5 games. Lebron James and the top-seeded Cavaliers were being embarassed at the hands of the Celtics while rubbing an allegedly sore elbow with one foot in free agency. And Chris Bosh was...fuck it, I don't even remember the last time Chris Bosh was in the playoffs and I know you don't care either. The first test comes in the form of a young and athletic team that plays hard for an aging retread of a coach. Elton Brand plays the role of the veteran presence, but the 76ers lack the type of leadership that is truly needed in any playoff series; a dude with huge
PREDICTION: Heat 4, Sixers 1, Chris Bosh Tears 37.
(3) Boston Celtics vs. (6) New York Knicks
Another supposed “rivalry” matchup between teams from Boston and New York brings the streaking Knicks to Boston to face my faltering Celtics. Yes, we’re all heartbroken and confused as shit after the Perkins trade stripped us of our beloved Beast, Obviously we’re expecting the worst this postseason. And you damn New York fans couldn't be happier right now. Fresh off of an upset victory by your Jets over the Patriots, New Yorkers have their marquee man in Melo and are awaiting another win over a favored team from Beantown. Spike Lee will surely be breaking out the fancy throwbacks and retarted hats, but he won't be breaking out the champagne. Shaq or no Shaq, Rondo or no Rondo, the Celtics could beat the Knicks with Carlos Arroyo or Bronson Arroyo, Jeff Green or Al Green, Delonte West, Kanye West or Mayor Adam West. Bottom line, the Knicks traded half of their team for two guys, they have no bench, and their two centers are Stone Hands Shelden Williams and a guy who looks like Warren Sapp's half-retarded illegitmate son fell off of his mountain bike. It's time for the Celtics to put on their big boy pants. It starts with the Knicks.
PREDICTION: Tattoos: Knicks 347, Celtics 26. Games: Celtics 4, Knicks 0.
(4) Orlando Magic vs. (5) Atlanta Hawks
This one should be two hungry teams vying for the chance to get the shit kicked out of them by the Bulls. Since I don't really care about this series, let's measure the matchup based solely on their nicknames. Hawks are dangerous predators that soar through the sky and pick off their prey as they please. Magic, while widely regarded as super-gay by anyone older than six years old, is pretty much impossible to defeat. I have to give the edge to the Magic on this one. The Magic could turn itself into anything in order to defeat the hawk, be it a double-barreled shotgun, or a seven foot center with a sharp smile, sharper elbows, and shitty commercials.
PREDICTION: Magic 4, Hawks 2.
Western Conference Playoff Preview: Round 1.
(1).San Antonio Spurs vs. (8) Memphis Grizzlies
The Spurs are an old, experienced, poised team with a Hall of Fame power forward and a pack of role players. The Grizzlies are a young, unproven, hot-headed team with a crazy power forward with a pack of rolls on his neck. Zach Randolph will get you a double-double in a half and then a double cheeseburger at halftime. San Antonio may lead the West in wins, but Memphis leads the league in Tony Allens. So Memphis has a guy who will punch teammates in the face…but San Antonio has a guy who will bang his teammates wives. Tony Parker is cold blooded. So while the Grizzlies are young and athletic, which may pose a problem for the old legs of the Spurs, they won’t have enough to knock off San Antonio. Unless ofcourse, Tony Parker ends up banging Timmy’s lady. Then it’s the Grizzle for shizzle.
PREDICTION: Spurs 4, Grizzlies, 1, Tony Allen bites on pump fakes 259.
(2) Los Angeles Lakers vs. (7) New Orleans Hornets
With Kobe Bryant appealing his fine for calling a ref a faggot (which you will hear from me on a daily basis, not because im a homophobe but that it’s just engraved in my vocabulary), the Lakers once again go into a playoff series with Kobe drama hanging over their heads. The last time he was hopping flights to Colorado for his rape case and this time he is just appealing a 100,000 fine, but still. Drama! Kobe should just hold a press conference with the ref and buy him an 8 million dollar ring, it worked for him last time. As far as the series goes, there will be a lot of whining out of Chris Paul (As Always) and the Lakers will roll. I flipped over to the Lakers final game and saw an ugly, swelled up, bloated cyst by the Lakers bench and I thought it was a shot of Andrew Bynum’s knee. Turns out Khloe Kardashian had floor seats. She really is a descendant of Ms. Piggy though is she not?
PREDICTION: Lakers 4, Hornets 0.
(3)Dallas Mavericks vs. (6) Portland Trailblazers
The Dallas Mavericks are going to absolutely dominate the Portland Trailblazers to the point where everyone talks themselves into Dallas as legitimate title contenders until the Lakers crush them in the second round. That is, as long as Andrew Bynum ices his bruised Khloe Kardashian.
PREDICTION: Dallas 4, Portland 1.
(4) Oklahoma City Thunder vs. (5) Denver Nuggets
Kendrick Perkins, as you may have heard on sports radio in Boston recently, is the greatest basketball player of all time. I expect Kendrick Perkins to average a triple-double with 40 points, 40 rebounds, and 22 blocks per game. OKC will beat the Nuggets in Game 7 on a play where Kendrick Perkins sets a screen for Kendrick Perkins, who takes drives to the basket and tosses a last second alley-oop to Kendrick Perkins for the win, then gives CPR to a choking baby while banging his “Precious” wife. (jokes, I still love you perk and would give up the big 3 for you back)
PREDICTION: Thunder 4, Nuggets, 3, Perkins 1,000,000.
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